You know, dad, What i'm gonna do now
Is i'm gonna stop eating And let's do something else.
We can either talk Or we can watch t.V.
Well--
Or we could have dessert.
Let's talk.
What do you say ? We don't do that enough.
How about pick up the phone And dial my office,
And you're in For a real treat.
You want me to pick up The phone
And call your office ?
You'll be proud of me when you Hear what's on the other end
Is a new phone system.
You have a new phone system At the office ? Yes.
Well, that's great, Why call it ?
It's just a phone, right ?
I want to show you What it can do.
Well, what can it do ?
Get ready to dial in Some options, because--
I can't do two things At once here,
Listen to you And listen to the ring.
But just poise yourself for Some real serious options here.
I can't wait, This is gonna be exciting.
I'm just afraid That the choices
Are gonna paralyze you, You know ?
It hasn't picked up yet ?
No, sir.
You sure ? Pretty sure.
Because are you sure you Dialed the right number ?
Hello.
Hello ?
Ben ? Laura ?
Ben. Laura.
Why do you keep Saying, "laura ?"
How did you get This number ?
My father told me To call the office
To check out The new phone.
( Whispering ) Jeez, i-- ben !
Oh, wait, Hold on a sec, laura.
Can you hold on ?
Tell laura it's my fault That you called her at home,
That i had the calls Forwarded from the office.
Oh.
And that i apologize For waking her up.
Oh, dear, laura ?
Yeah.
Hey, it's ben, How are ya ?
Listen, this is Sort of a mix-up.
My dad told me to call the New phone system at the office,
But apparently all the calls Are forwarded,
And if you don't know What that means,
It's a system by which If i call the office number--
I know what it means. Right.
Just tell her the part About my being sorry, ben.
Oh, right, my dad also Apologizes for this.
For not mentioning it To her.
So, sorry about that, i Apologize, i didn't mean to--
I'm hoping I'm not disturbing you.
What are you wearing ?
I don't know If you're talking,
But i can't hear you.
Oh, you can't hear-- Can you hear me now ?
Hello ?
Laura, can you hear--
Can you hear me, Laura ? Laura ? What ?
Are you there ? Hello ?
I can hear you fine-- Can you hear me ?
Ben, she's teasing you.
What ? She's teasing you.
Don't you know that ?
You're gonna have To talk louder.
I can't hear you, dad.
I said, She's teasing you !
What ?! I can't hear you.
Dad, will you tell-- Dad ?
Laura ?! Hello ?
Just hang on, I'm gonna put my dad on,
He knows a little something About the phone system.
What ?!
Dad, pick up the phone !
Please speak up, I can't hear you !
You take the phone now, Dad, from me !
Dad, here's the phone, Talk to laura !
If you're saying Something i can't--
I can, i can hear you fine, You can't hear me !
Why are you yelling ?!
And there's another Neat little feature,
Something called "Bill tracking." Yeah.
And this tells you Who you called,
And how long the call was, How much the call cost.
So now-- Is that new ?
It's-- well, It's new in the sense
That you can Just push a button
And it prints out a little Report immediately.
For instance, look,
It says here yesterday that Someone from this system
Placed two calls to prague.
Well, i could have Told you that.
Yeah, well, Now you don't have to.
That's the beauty of it.
Laura, i'm trying To practice being upbeat
No matter What people say to me.
So you wanna try that With me ?
All right.
I like you very much, laura, You're a wonderful person
And i'm glad that i've gotten To know you over these years.
Could you please Take a step back ?
Ha ha ha ha ! Thank you.
Thank you very much.
Please take Another step back,
Because i can Still smell it.
That's not nice, But i'm very glad
That you pointed out That there may be an arom--
Could you just face The other way ?
Yes-- yes-- What did you eat ?
There's no problem at all.
What do you mean you feel Ill-equipped for life ?
I'm not prepared For any emergency at all.
I don't know how to help A choke victim,
I don't know c.P.R.
The only thing i know, I learned from watching movies
When i was a kid,
That if you fall Into quicksand,
Don't struggle.
That's right, you're Not supposed to struggle.
I have never seen any quicksand In my adult life, ever.
And in every movie I'd watch when i was a kid,
All there was was quicksand.
It was on the road Going to the village.
People were dropping Like flies
Into the quicksand.
And i watched so many movies, I became an expert on quicksand.
Like, i would see a movie And i would go,
"That is way too oatmealy.
"What are they trying To pull on me ?"
When i was a kid, I used to chew gum
And, then, Like when the flavor
Would go out of it, I'd go in the kitchen,
And put some table Sugar in there.
And then i would go out And play for about 15 seconds,
And then i'd run back In the kitchen,
I'd put some more Sugar in there,
And then after A couple of years,
I woke up one day and i said, "Do i really need the gum ?"
I guess what i'm Really trying to say is,
"Is the gum really Necessary ?"
Or a third version Would be, "why the gum ?"
I don't think you need A third version.
Hey, dr. Katz, help me out With this new joke
I'm working on.
Just give me a noun.
Uh, pencil. Okay.
The guy Who invented mad libs
Is laughing all the way To the pencil.
And my entire family Is nonviolent,
But nonviolent To the point of panic.
What do you mean ?
When i was in 7th grade, This kid said to me,
I had an argument With this kid, he goes...
"I'm gonna kick your ass, Kindler.
"Three o'clock On the playground,
"You'd better be there too.
Three o'clock On the playground."
Not only did he want To beat me up,
He wanted me to make An actual appointment
To get my ass kicked.
"I-- at three o'clock, Let me see.
"Ralph's kicking My ass at 2:45,
"That could run A little bit over.
How would 3:15 be ?"
I actually got in a fight For the first time
In my life last year,
Although, i don't know If it was a fight
Because i didn't Hit the guy back
Or anything like that, so--
So what happened, exactly ?
I came out of a bar.
At two o'clock In the morning,
This guy comes up and hits me In the ear as hard as he can.
But i used My self-defense move on him,
Which consisted of Holding my ear
While back-pedaling furiously.
Yeah, and i just want To go back
Just for one second To this prague issue because
I want to make sure--
It would comfort me To know
That these calls Are business related.
That's what i'm assuming.
Well, then they were.
That's comforting.
If you're not comfortable Talking about it,
It's really none Of my business, you know ?
But i'm just assuming That if you were gonna
Have a relationship On the phone with someone
In an eastern-european, Slavic nation... Yeah ?
That you would, in fact,
Assume responsibility Financially for those calls,
And would reimburse me.
I don't want-- I don't want to
Back you into a corner, But just be a little respectful
Of the notion that i pay The bills around here.
Okay ?
I don't know what I'm talking about, i'm sorry.
Can i buy you lunch ?
Hi, laura. You're early.
I'm always early, That's why i get the worm.
What ? The worm.
The early bird Gets the worm.
What are you talking about ?
It's an expression. Oh.
It's an expression.
You know how sometimes people Take the humdrum,
Day-to-day thoughts And words of their lives
And try to transform them into The poetry of human speech,
You know What i'm talking about ?
You mean cliches ?
He must be a lot of fun To work for, i'm guessing.
Guess again.
He must be A little fun to work for.
I'm gonna give you One more guess
And then we're gonna Stop talking to each other.
Do you understand ?
Yes. Good.
You're very strict, I like that about you.
Thank you.
You should be In the other room
And he should be out here Answering the phone.
Hmm, i've suggested it,
But he just never thinks It's a good idea.
Well, i'm not part Of that camp.
Because i think you're aces, i Think you're the cat's p.J.S.
Really ? Oh, yeah.
That's weird, 'cause i never Really liked you much,
But i kind of do now.
Yeah, oh, good.
It's good to meet somebody With an agenda.
Mr. Mamet ? Yes ?
Are you just blowing Smoke up my ass ?
What do you mean, "just ?"
You know, I have to tell you
That i've only used hypnosis On two other occasions--
( Mamet ) Uh-huh.
... As a therapist, and i'm Not proud of either of them.
Yeah.
So it's really your call.
Hey, listen, I'm here to get better. Yeah.
And whatever it takes. Okay.
Why don't you Close your eyes
And listen carefully To what i say.
Okay.
And as we get into this,
You will find yourself Becoming more and more relaxed.
Mmm-hmm.
If you pay attention To your right foot,
You can feel the muscles In it relax.
Feel the muscles In your right lower leg relax.
The right upper leg Is now relaxing.
Now on the left side,
Concentrate on the way that Your left foot is relaxing.
The left leg--
Can i stop For a second, doc ? Yeah.
Is there a difference Between relaxing
And getting bored Out of your mind ?
I think getting bored Is part of the process.
Okay, well, I'm with you then, hit it.
Next, you'll be able to feel
The muscles of Your right hand relaxing,
The right lower arm and the Right upper arm relaxing.
Did i do-- I did your left leg, right ?
I think so, I'm not sure.
I should really have A checklist here.
Are you planning to bill me For this session ?
How's it going, laura ? How are you today ?
Fine.
Dr. Katz is getting me more In touch with my feelings,
And i think it's very important That i say how i feel.
So i just want To let you know
That i'm uncomfortable Around you.
'Cause dr. Katz Says, "get it out.
"You've got to get it out !
( Sighing ) You've got to put it Out there."
Now, when you sigh,
That says to me that you're Uncomfortable with me.
I don't like that.
I don't like that, laura.
I don't dislike you, I don't like "it."
Sorry.
Sorry doesn't pay The therapy bills, laura.
Who does ? Um...
Because you Come here a lot.
I have a trust fund.
Oh...
Benny boy. How are you ? What's up ?
Nothing much.
Just wanted to call On the new phone system.
Ooh, that's great, dad.
This is about the third time You've called today.
Well, i can Double-check that
Because it'll display
How many times I've actually called you.
Well, you don't have To check it, dad.
Three times.
Don't you have Any customers today ?
You mean "patients" ?
Whatever.
I do, in fact, i've Already seen a few people,
But i just wanted to Take a few minutes--
Ben, okay, let me tell you The real reason i called. Okay.
You're on a conference call.
Get outta town.
I'm serious.
Who's on the line-- Laura ? No.
The white house ?
The white house--
No, i'm calling the phone System's customer service...
Laura, i'm trying To work more
On my conversational Style with people.
Yeah ?
So i was wondering If you would do
A little role-playing With me ?
And you Could be like someone
Who would be having a nice Conversation with me.
So how's Everything going ? Fine.
What you been up to ?
Not much.
Boy, the weather seems to be Changing on a seasonal basis.
You said it.
( Ben ) Hey, dad, i gotta be honest With you here for a second.
Uh-huh.
Your hold music ? Yeah.
It sucks.
That's not my hold music,
No, that's the customer Service hold music.
Oh, because we're on--
And i also don't think It's so bad, that's--
That's "the water music."
Is it handel or schubert Who wrote that ?
Oh, who cares ?
It was 200 years ago.
They flew by, though, Didn't they ? Yeah.
I think it's muzak, dad.
Not-- not handel.
I know, it sounds to me Like the real thing,
Like a recording of Chamber music or something.
I always thought chamber music Was a bunch of chambermaids
Getting together And just jamming.
Then i'd go see A concert.
( Chuckling ) I'd take you.
Laura, am i Your favorite comedian ?
Yeah.
What's funny about me ?
You wouldn't say I'm funny
'Cause i'm Funny looking, though,
Would you ?
Uh, i don't--
Because people always say I look like horshack
From "welcome back kotter." Yeah ?
I've had that My whole life. Yeah ?
No, you're Definitely heavier.
( Recording ) Please hold.
Right, is this guy Ever coming back, or--
I'm so glad you reminded me.
I'd better remember Why i called them.
Yeah, why did you Call them ?
Well, i'm having Some problems--
One of the things is That calls would disconnect
In the middle of nothing.
Ben ? Hello ?
I'm here, dad.
No, but, i mean, Is my nose that angular ?
Do i have like a Horshack nose to you ?
No.
Or is my nose In proportion to my f--
Is my nose ethnic ?
Would you know right Away i was jewish ?
Or might i be italian ?
If you didn't Think about it.
Um, yeah.
So what do you think ?
What do you think of The conference call ?
Eh, i could do without it.
Honestly.
Honestly ? Yeah.
I could do without it.
( Recording ) Please continue to hold.
Ben, i hope You've enjoyed this,
I better get back to work.
Well, i'm glad you--
I'm glad you included me In your first phone game.
I feel honored.
It's not a game, it's-- Well, it's a game.
Okay, so let's move away From this quicksand area.
Okay, but in the old movies, I'm telling you,
If you moved away,
You'd fall into Another batch of quicksand.
You couldn't help it.
Why-- why were they always Holding their hands
Over their head When they're going down,
What were They reaching for ?
Uh, a vine ?
I'm sure it's a vine.
Or a vine-oriented item.
I always end up doing These corporate gigs
And they're Very, very depressing.
First of all, the people Don't want to be working
For the corporation, Right.
And, secondly of all, they Don't want to be at an event
Where the other people of The corporation are there.
Understandable.
And, thirdly, they don't Want to have to focus
Their energy on you,
And whenever i play These corporate gigs,
They always have A special request,
They always say,
"Hey, can you come And dress as a table,
"And we'll eat off of you For a couple of hours,
"And then you pop up And do a couple of minutes ?
Would that be okay ?"
"Could you come in dressed As a plumber,
"And say you're here To fix the pipes,
"And we'll make a microphone That looks like a wrench,
And then you can do 20 minutes ?"
"Can you come in waving A gun and shoot it off,
"And as people scatter Towards their cars,
"You can do a few minutes ?
How about that ?"
So these are not good-- good Gigs, is what you're saying.
And they always Want you to do
Something about the people Who work at the company
But they never Give you information,
And they always say Like, something like...
"Hey, can you do something About bob ?
"Because he's from chicago.
"Maybe you could do something About the fact
That he is from chicago."
"Oh, yeah, all right, I got it.
"Don't worry about a thing, I'll take it from here.
"Wait 'til you see me During the show tonight,
"You're gonna love it.
"I'll give you the little okay Sign during my chicago chunk.
"Where is windy-city bob ?
"Where is the man Who enjoys deep dish ?
"Where is the man who Occasionally likes
To stroll down Michigan avenue ?"
You know, i have always Been the most resistant
Of all of the three of us,
I would say, To new technologies.
Absolutely.
But i finally am on-board, I made the plunge,
And you know the expression,
"You can lead a horse To water,
But you can't Make him drink ?" Mmm-hmm.
Now they can Make him drink. Wow.
But it's just-- it's so Amazing what they can do now--
Boy, oh, boy.
With the-- with-- you know, My dad had surgery last year.
Yeah.
And they were able, Using fiber-optic cables...
Mmm-hmm.
... To look inside His lower intestine
While i'm On the other line.
You know ?
They can look in there ?
You know, through sprint Or something,
I don't know who's doing it, But it's unbelievable.
You know what they found In his lower intestine ?
I don't wanna to know.
I don't wanna Know that, either.
Ben used to think When roz and i
Used to say the line Was busy...
Yeah.
When he was a little guy,
He used to think we were Saying the lion was busy.
Ooh. He was so stupid In those days.
No. No.
Because both of us Over-articulated,
If anything.
How many times Has it rung ?
That's five now.
Five rings.
I think it picks up after--
Now we're in between.
... After seven rings,
Or if it gets to a certain heat In the room, it'll pick up.
You know, But i'm one of those guys
Who's always said That technology
Doesn't make Our lives simpler,
It makes our lives More complicated. Yeah.
I've come around To the other side.
I'm now a believer In technology. Yeah.
It hasn't picked up yet. No ?
I think it picks up By the eighth or tenth ring.
Remember the rotaries, dad ? Remember the rotary ?
The rotary phone, Oh, don't get me started.
Am i the only guy That actually owns
A rotary cellular phone ?
Those are the days When you had to put
Some work into making A call, you know ? Yeah.
Now it's just, like, It's similar,
But it's a little easier.
Hey, dad. Yeah ?
Remember the old phone system You had in the office ?
Oh, that was great. Jeez, i miss it.
It used to pick up. Yeah.
No, no, this, um-- You know--
( Ringing )
How much did you drop On this new system ?
Because this Is the tenth ring.
Well, remember Graduate school ? Yeah.
That's out.
( Chuckling )
You know, i heard A terrible story.
You know, the worst thing In show business,
People always want yo To do things on spec,
You know ?
"Do this on spec, Do that on spec."
Turns out the guy who did Mount rushmore did it on spec.
Well, that's got to provide You with some comfort.
You think ? I think.
I used to write for A greeting-card company.
I don't want to name them.
I mean-- and i don't think I did all that well,
I mean, i was supposed To write condolence cards,
And the first thing I came up with was,
"Heard you died."
( Dr. Katz ) So you didn't really Understand the concept ?
That's what they said.
Didn't you also write Another condolence card
That actually caught on ?
The "who died And left you boss ?"
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
I like that.
Really-- Do you really like that
Or are you just Saying that ?
No, no, I think that's catchy.
Because i know that You're kind of caught
Between traditional Psychoanalysis
And straight-up, Pat-on-the-back,
That'll-be-58-bucks- Get-out-of-here therapy.
So it's hard for me to Know if what you're--
Where can you get Therapy for 58 bucks ?
That's the part--
Oh, that's true, Isn't it ?
That's where you lost me.
No, i was taught to believe That a little enthusiasm
Is not inappropriate In a therapeutic environment.
So give me a "d" ! "D" !
Okay, that's plenty.
Oh, that's all right. Yeah.
But how can i Believe in it ?
Because, basically, I'm paying you to say that,
I mean that-- Aren't i ?
Or am i ?
Not at all, not at all.
That's not what You're paying me for.
What am i paying you for ?
I'm not sure. Okay.
My favorite town to Play is las vegas--
Oh, i love las vegas.
I go there every time I'm booked.
That makes sense.
Sometimes the crowds Aren't that good,
But you know what ?
No matter what, i give 20%, No matter how i feel.
And i was on the--
I flew to las vegas And they have one
Of these shuttles
That you can save A couple of dollars
On the taxi By taking a shuttle,
And it only takes About seven hours
To get to the hotel.
And you will Get luggage back
That looks very similar to The actual luggage you brought,
In other words, if you bring a Duffel, you'll get a duffel.
Bring a valise, Get a valise.
I heard these two guys Talking on the shuttle,
And they were from new york,
And the one guy says To the other guy, he says,
"Hey, this guy told me he parks Cars over at circus circus,
"Makes $100,000 a year.
Even if he's lying, He's making $75,000."
I love the fact that this guy Buys anyone's premise.
He just thinks All he has to do
Is bump it down by 25%, That's all.
"That guy over there tells Me that he's jesus christ.
"Even if he's lying,
He's john the baptist, For crying out loud."
But doing these jobs, These engagements, you know,
It must be satisfying In some way,
Or you wouldn't keep Doing it, am i right ?
Here's my impression Of me every time i go
On the road and perform.
Please allow me To proceed.
Come on, now, stop it.
( Music playing )
You know what the music means, Andy, i'm sorry.
Our time is up.